I met Ben* when he was in kindergarten. Although he was a charming, bright child, he was completely unable to control himself in school. He would curse at his teacher, refuse to work, and once hit a parent who was visiting the class.

Ben’s home life has a lot to do with his outbursts. His mother was unable to take care of him for the first four years of his life because of her struggle with substance abuse. Ben has never met his dad. Ben’s two brothers, aged 18 and 20, are in gangs and have been in and out of jail. Their influence on him included forcing him to smoke marijuana and inducting him into the Crips. Ben has never had a man in his life he could count on or look up to, and the absence of a positive male role model has taken its toll.

The security Ben feels in our relationship and the consistent time we spend together have helped him learn to form attachments and to control his temper. I have worked closely with Ben’s teachers the last four years and have done my best to help get him the resources that he needs to succeed in the classroom. Swimming lessons, writing and performing music, and traveling around the city with me have made Ben able to relate to the world in a more positive way.

I will always remember the day I took Ben to visit the local police precinct. He was wary of the police, so I was hoping to provide him a positive experience with law enforcement. Ben was of the opinion that there were two teams–the good guys and the bad guys–and since his brothers were on the bad team that was where he wanted to be. I explained to him that in my view, our choices define who we are. I told him that I wanted to be on his team, but that I wanted to be a good guy. Later in the afternoon when I dropped him off, Ben ran to me and jumped up into my arms. As I held him up Ben said, “Do you think there’s any more room on the team of the good guys?”

* Names have been changed to protect our children.  The stories do not correlate with the child pictured.